24 Days.

NOTE: IF you are or were one of those many ignorant people who went around telling others and tried being sarcastic with us on SOCIAL MEDIA saying WE DID NOT INFORM ANYBODY ABOUT MUMMY (and there were some people WHO KNEW, but did not tell people who mattered to us AND THEM). Also, let me first tell you that WE WERE RESPECTING MUMMY’S WISHES TO NOT TELL THE WHOLE OF MALAYSIA about her condition. Because of people like you guys, I am seriously beginning to hate the word KESIAN (poor thing). If Mummy knows that I had gotten angry at the lot of you, I would have gotten a scolding but she knows I mean well; she knows I WILL get angry at lots like you.

On 3rd May 2022. It was the second day of Eid. While going to the toilet, Mummy had a fall. And it was her second bad one. Where was I? In front of her. And this is the second fall which was on my watch and I did not catch her.

Before I get further into the entry, Mummy has been using a walking frame for almost a year because she could not walk properly without any help. It had been that way since her first fall. Since that first fall, I became her caregiver; everywhere Mummy went, I had to go. Whenever we are in Kuala Lumpur, when we have to go out, she had to use a wheelchair.

Back when she fell on 3rd May, she was making her way to the toilet because she wanted to get ready to go downstairs to entertain Kak Anor (one of the lawyers in Abah’s old law firm) who came for Eid. As usual, I went ahead of her to open the bathroom door when I heard her call my name. When I turned, I noticed she was on the floor. So I called for Dad and went down to call for my elder sister. My sister came up and said to call the ambulance as her left leg looked like it was in an awkward position. We did not want to make matters worse, so we did not move her much but helped her lean against her wardrobe. Kak Anor came up to see her and sat down with her while we waited for the ambulance.

When we got to the Emergency, the Medical Officer checked her and told us that she needed to get admitted (for the second time in the same hospital) as she had fractured her tibia. And of course, I stayed with her. The next day, she went into surgery to insert a plate into her leg to enable to walk again.

Nothing much happened except that Mummy started to lose her appetite, and until the nurses realised she was peeing less and less. As it baffled the doctor and made the nurses worry, on Mother’s Day (8.5.22) the hospital said to go for an x-ray and turns out they found a clot in her urethra. So, the urologist said to bring her into the surgery room to flush the clot out. Then on the 9th, Mummy kept complaining about hot when the room was super cold; and her gastric started acting up. That is when she had difficulties peeing again. Again, the doctor was baffled by her bloating stomach. He came to see and said it could be gastric.

THAT NIGHT, I will admit, I had a panic attack when I saw Mummy’s breathing pattern. She looked like she was breathing like a fish out of water. And that was the same night, I brought her food in late she got really upset at me and said, “You made me lose my appetite!” I admit I was really hurt by that statement. I knew she was in discomfort but I was not late because I wanted to. McDonald’s decided to be a pain in the ass to deliver my food late. I prepared her food anyway, but I was crying my eyes out because I was hurt by her remark and because I did not like the way she was breathing. I messaged my younger sister expressing my worry.

On the 10th morning, after a long sleepless night, and Mummy calling for the nurses every 10 minutes, the Medical Officer came in at 6 something. Let me say it here, that night was the most tiring for me and the nurses. When the nurses realised her oxygen level was not at the ideal reading, they gave her the oxygen tube and Mummy hated things that caused discomfort on her face. She kept taking the oxygen tube off, and I keep telling her to put it on. Finally, when the Medical Officer checked on Mummy and noticed Mummy sweating. Then, he said that it could be another problem and it was definitely not gastric. That morning, my younger sister, Nuril; arrived at the hospital after flying in from Kuala Lumpur. She told me to go home and sleep as she knew I was mentally and physically exhausted as she knew throughout the whole time Mummy was in the hospital, I stayed with her. I went home, tired. Around 12.30 pm, my sister messaged me saying Mummy had to go into the ICU because the doctor did not like her breathing pattern and the stomach bloating. The doctor also said she was sent to HDU to get 1-to-1 care. And I did not see that message until 1.30 pm because I was literally knocked out when I got home.

Apparently, when Mummy got into the High Dependency Unit (HDU) and Nuril was with her, Mummy asked if I was okay. When Nuril told me that, it broke my heart. Nuril said Mummy was worried about me. Immediately, I regretted the frustrations I felt the night she could not sleep. However, when I got to the hospital, Nuril explained to me that Mummy will have to go for scans to see what the problem was.

From the scans, it turns out that she had a stomach ulcer which burst and tore into her intestines. When the surgeon did the surgery to repair the tear, they found a tumour in her stomach near her liver. So, the surgeon took it out. Once again, things started to look up for us.

Few days later, the nurse told us that she had brown clear liquid coming from her stomach wound. Once again, Mummy had to go under the knife to get it checked. When she underwent that surgery, it was discovered that there was pus in her abdomen, so the surgeon vacuumned the pus out. After that, Mummy was showing good progress. Her vital readings were all good, and doctors were very optimistic about her. They have even told us that Mummy was in the recovery stage.

On the 26th, my elder sister and I went to the hospital as we always do every evening. She looked good and happy. Even the nurses told us that there was nothing wrong with her. We were, of course, pleased. We managed to joke around with her watch her nod and shake her head while we tell her stories. She even scrunched up her eyebrows when we said something silly. It looked like the perfect moment; a road to recovery.

Unfortunately, by midnight, my sister received a call from the hospital saying Mummy’s wound started bleeding profusely. By that time, the HDU gave two options, (i) Do another surgery; or (ii) to let the nurses and doctor do what they can that she is not in pain. But both options still meant letting go. It is just a matter of how she is let go. My sister asked her if she wanted surgery, she shook her head and we respected her wish. I was at home when my sister was at the hospital and at around 3.50 am, I was woken up by Kak Wen, our helper. She looked genuinely worried. I thought I slept through my alarm but she told me that my sister was at the hospital. I grabbed my phone and saw my sister’s message and I responded. She then called and I answered only to get news that Mummy’s wound started bleeding and I heard the Yasin playing in the background. Hearing that made my heart drop. I got out of bed, went to wash my face and change, and ran out of the house. It took me 5 minutes to drive from home to the hospital that morning.

When I got to the HDU, I saw the nurses gathering around Mummy and my sister sitting next to her. Mummy looked proper annoyed as the ladies cleaned her wounds. My sister then told me that the nurses are onto their 2nd bag of blood and had ordered another six because her wound wouldn’t stop bleeding. Slowly, the bleeding started slowing down but things still did not look too good.

In the morning, the HDU doctor gave us another two options, (i) to stay in the HDU where she will go painlessly; or (ii) to go home but she will be in pain.

And of course, we chose for her to go painlessly.

The hospital took Mummy off the supporting machine at around 11 something but added painkillers to her system. Mummy was a fighter, till the end. Before the medication kicked in, she was still responding to us as we told her stories. At 4 something, my Dad told Nuril and me to go home to rest and we did. By 5.29 pm, my elder sister called telling us to get back to the hospital as Mummy was going to sleep. We arrived a few minutes late after she took her last breath as we were caught in a massive jam. I was frustrated, and quite honestly, on my way to the hospital, I was cursing at every single asshole there was on the road that evening.

We brought Mummy’s body home to be bathed before prayers. It was a painful experience when we bathed her. That was the very last time for me to give her a bath. When we were done cleaning her, before the women assisting us covered her face, I noticed something; Mummy looked serene. It was like she was sleeping. I compared her to when I saw her on the hospital bed to when she was wrapped in the shroud. When she was in the hospital bed, she looked yellow but there she was before me looking pink and serene. I kissed Mummy’s forehead and cheek for the last time and told her to rest well and that I love her before the women covered her face.

That night, my sisters and I slept with her body in the corner of the living room with the Yasin recited on repeat throughout the night.

Nothing much happened that night but the next day, we brought Kirby and Sassy in to see their Nenek (Grandma) for the last time. They came in purring, but when they sniffed and realised what was going on, they stopped. Sassy kept looking at where Mummy was placed. Kirby, however, meowed whenever the Yasin reader stopped to take breaths and hid his face in Akim’s armpits. We had to hold them because we did not want them running around.

Finally, on the morning of 28th, we went up to the Samariang Muslim Cemetery to say our last goodbyes. During the reciting of Quranic verses, I could feel a cool breeze even though it was blistering hot. The ritual went smoothly and without any trouble. My Aunt said because Mummy was a good person everything from the bathing ritual to the burial, everything went smoothly.

What exactly did Mummy suffer from?

1. Disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC)
2. Blood fungal infection
3. Motion Neuron Disease (MND)
4. Hepatocellular Cancer (liver cancer)

Am I worried about myself? Undeniably, yes. My Grandma (Mummy’s Mummy) passed away from stomach growth in 1970. My Aunty Lamb (Mummy’s sister) passed away last year from Motion Neuron Disease (though we are not completely sure if this was the main cause of death). And this year, Mummy. So, the risk of getting ill is high for my sisters and me, even for my female cousins (Mum’s siblings’ daughters). But this entry is not about my worry.

So, that it is about what has been happening to us.

The reason why I chose “24 Days” as the title of this entry is that Mummy was in the hospital for 24 days, and it started with a fall and ended up with a tearful goodbye. So, I am going to stop here now. I have been trying to finish writing about this for a few days now and it still hurts thinking about my family’s loss.