Longings

MOOD: Sleepy, but I am ALWAYS sleepy
CURRENT MUSIC: My PS5 Login Page Music Background
WEATHER: SUPER HOT.
LOCATION: Kuching

I come from a close-knit family – no doubt, I had busy parents growing up, but they ALWAYS made time for us. My sisters and I grew up with old people around us, and we are more or less 10 years apart. Yes, it seemed like planning, but it was not, with miscarriages in between us, and even if my two other siblings had made it, I would always be the middle child. But I wonder if things would have been different if my two siblings had made it. 

Then, I started going into a phase where I started rebelling and had a mind of my own. I felt forced to be seen with my family while other friends were talking about going out with other friends. They had the freedom I yearned for. I will be truthful: I was envious of them because they had said freedom. While friends were hanging out with their friends at Tun Jugah, I was at home with my family doing what my parents enjoyed, going on long drives and spending time with each other. I tried going out once or twice, with permission, of course, and the questions I got from my late mother were like a policeman interrogating his suspect. I did not like it because it felt so. I felt suffocated, and my privacy was breached. To be fair, my parents had to send me out as I did not have a driving license.

In the early 2010s, I left Kuching to continue studying at a college in Kuala Lumpur. That was when I had unlimited freedom. My best friend from school was also with me, and we lived together, so we covered for each other. I had the opportunity to sit at the mamak from dusk to dawn, went out karaoke-ing, and even tried clubbing, which I hated. I even stayed in towns outside Kuala Lumpur – for fun and college activities. However, when I knew my parents were in Kuala Lumpur, I became “well-behaved”. After dinners with family, I would go home, change and go out again to hang out at the mamak with friends. However, there were days when I would decide to stay at my parents’ place because I missed them. 

But by then, I had started working at the motorcycle company I had worked part-time with after Form 5 before enrolling in my Sixth Form. Because of my involvement with events, I got involved with social activities again but appreciated my time at home despite the overtime and the outside activities. This was also when I started getting closer to my mother, telling her what I had been up to and explaining why I had to go out at certain hours. This was also when I started keeping to my curfew. 

It was during the peak of COVID-19 when my mother had her first bad fall. When she fell, we rushed her to the hospital, and she was admitted. It was October 2020; funnily, I remember this because my social life was mostly through online mobile gaming. The whole time my mother was admitted, I was on my phone, and she kept asking me what I was doing, staring at my phone and sniggering to myself. So, I told her I had befriended some people older than me from places like the US, Sweden, Bulgaria, and more! I started updating her on the news from those parts of the world, and I must say that they were great because they were supportive of me and my elder sister, who was also playing the game when my beloved aunt, who was like a second mother to my sisters and me, passed away. I showed my mother what they did in the game, and she was in awe. 

When she was discharged, I went to Kuala Lumpur almost every two weeks for her treatment. I was assigned to escort her everywhere she went, from her treatments in Kuala Lumpur to physiotherapy in the hospital in Kuching. From then on, I got extremely close to my mother. She would ask what I did, and I would tell her. 

I even spoke to her about the guy I was dating, who later became my husband, and she approved of him. Since then, “J, tell Akim I want to eat satay,” and he will get it for her. I will be truthful, and I was afraid when I told her about him. At first, she was not warm towards him, but when she relied on his help, I felt I wished I had told her about him earlier. 

Because of my responsibility to my mother, I started wanting to go out less with friends, and I am glad the small group of friends has understood that. My mother allowed me to have sleepovers with my best friends, Serena and Juliana when Serena would come from Miri to Kuching. Well, thanks to Facebook, she could keep track of our activities. Whenever I came home from a night out with the girls, I would tell her the funny stories we girls shared: the abridged version, mind you. 

Caring for my mother has made me feel happier at home. During this time, my goal in life was to make her smile and laugh. My mother was a strict woman who was not easy to joke around with, but it was her fate to have a happy-go-lucky daughter like me! Whenever she laughed at my jokes, it just made me happy. Although, there were times I got caught by surprise when she turned around and added to my jokes. Half the time when she does, I get a bit dumbstruck, but those were happy times. However, by this time, my mother was already getting frail, but let me be clear: that woman has the will of steel. That is the thing about my mother: she was a very strong woman. 

Then, my mother fell again on the second day of Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2022. This time, I was guilt-ridden because this was the second time she fell on my watch. What made it worse was that I did not know she fell until she called for my name, and I turned to find her on the floor. Once again, we brought her to the hospital, and the outcome was less optimistic than the first. I did not want to think the worst of the situation. 

“It was going to be okay,” I kept telling myself. “Mummy is going to get discharged as soon as it gets okay!” 

Then things turn for the worse. I started getting depressed, maybe from the lack of sleep at night in the hospital, maybe from worrying about my mother. I did not know, but I heard these annoying little voices. 

“You were the cause of Mummy’s fall!” the voice said, and it was distinctively my voice, reminding me of the day she fell. It got worse when my mother’s condition deteriorated and became more than just a fall. 

I went home one evening to get food for her after she asked for tempoyak and her favourite salted fish. I remember ordering McDonald’s through Grab, but Grab had an issue with the rider because it was raining heavily. So, she kept calling, asking me where I was. I left the house without waiting.

The first thing she said to me when I walked into her ward was, “I lost my appetite.” 

That broke me. All this while, I happily made her comfortable and proud; hearing those words hurt me so bad I hid in the pantry pretending to prepare her meal, but I ended up calling my younger sister in Kuala Lumpur and begging her to come home. By then, I was tired – physically and mentally. It did not help that those voices in my head started getting louder and louder, blaming me for her fall. Eventually, my younger sister came home on the first flight out the next day after my distressed call. I was told to go home to sleep, and I did. 

A phone call from my younger sister woke me up, telling me that my mother was moved to the High Dependency Unit (HDU) because of her worsening condition, and once again, I got worried. Deep down inside me this time, I knew she was not in a good way. Quite honestly, it was from one thing to another for us all. From always getting a two-way conversation, it was just me talking to my coma-induced mother. It hurt whenever I updated my whereabouts, and she did not respond, but that did not stop me from telling her where I went or what I did. Whenever I left her in the HDU, I touched her hand to tell her I was going home and would be back the next day. 

On the 24th day in the hospital, I was awoken by the home helper (Kakak) at 4 am, saying I was needed at the hospital. I checked my phone and saw missed calls from my elder sister and a WhatsApp message stating she was at the hospital. I called and spoke to my elder sister, and she said that my mother was losing a lot of blood. What I remembered hearing was the Surah Yasin playing loudly in the background. My heart broke, knowing what was happening. When I got to the HDU, the nurse-in-charge told me in Malay that my mother was in critical condition despite her super positive response the day before. Those words, critical (nazak in Malay), stabbed me, and there my mother was on the bed with nurses tending to her, looking like an angry wet cat. Mean as it sounds, that was how it was. 

I was speechless. I was feeling empty. No words left my lips at that moment. I could not bear the sight of my mother, who was in pain and probably annoyed that people were fussing over her. When the doctor-in-charge asked us if she wanted to video call my father, we asked her, and she said she wanted to wait for him to come home. Luckily, my father could charter a flight home with my younger sister. I had a brief moment when I was alone with her when I asked her if she was proud of me and what I had done for her. She nodded. Immediately, all the self-inflicted guilt disappeared. All I needed was just that from her. 

My father arrived by 9 something that morning, if I am not mistaken, and the doctor took my mother off life support by 11 am. My mother fought a fierce fight until 6.27 pm when she drew her last breath. It was on the 27th of May 2022, the 26th day of Syawal, and it was still a Friday based on Muslim timing. For those who do not know, a new day starts at Maghrib. 

It felt empty, although I did not have to go to the hospital anymore. I felt lost because I did not have to hear my mother nagging at or interrogating me. I suppose the words: “You will know you miss someone most when they are gone” ring true. I did not like it. I was used to having my mother siccing on me, and now I am older and probably wiser; I appreciated all she did. 

Today, after a year and eight months, I thank God my mother was the way she was with my sisters and me. I am glad she brought us up the way she did. When I lost my mother, it felt like I did not spend enough time with her, but many people have told me that I would have been the most satisfied because I spent the most time with her. But they do not know I was unhappy with that short period spent with her. Time was cruel, and maybe, in a small way, I was cruel, too. I was so busy trying hard to break free from my family’s “close knits”, but none of us was getting any younger. Now that I am older, I appreciate every memory I have with them.

After I lost my mother, I made a small promise to myself that I would spend more time with my father at every opportunity I had, and that is what I am doing now, even though I have the loveliest stepmother on the face of the Earth to take care of him, but to time spent with them is more precious. 

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you… I could walk in my own garden forever.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson, English Poet.