I Retired.

MOOD: Lazy but …
CURRENT MUSIC: None.
WEATHER: SUPER HOT.
LOCATION: Kuching

I wrote this entry in 2021.

I started playing “State of Survival” in 2020, I think it was in October, but I officially quit the game in October 2023 because most of my friends left, leaving me bored. I had something to look forward to when the old team was active. Every event wasn’t dull, and these people were part of why I returned to Discord after abandoning it for years.

There was an event I loved when playing with people like LC, Calla-Rose, Sir Prancealot, UnHuMaN and Skywalker called Reservoir Raid. There was teamwork, and everyone had a chance to be MPV; I was MPV three weeks in a row because LC made me take charge despite being a level lower than him. Even the annoying Kill Stage event was fun with them.

With these guys, everyone had a chance to be R5 (the alliance’s leader). I was made R5 because LC trusted me, but we enjoyed it more when Sky was appointed our R5. That guy was vicious. His favourite event was that interstate event (I cannot remember the name anymore!). He and his Level 26 settlement bullying people with P1 and above settlements. Notice how I mentioned his name a few times? He was my gaming big brother, and he is from Texas. He used to tell everyone in the alliance to join this event called Alliance Showdown (if I remember correctly) and for everyone to go to their own lanes to prevent me from having a meltdown.

Then, they all left due to the mergers and the politics that came with it. I continued on because Sky continued, but eventually, he became less active, and I couldn’t be arsed. I became inactive and miserable because the newer people, especially after the State merger, were less fun. They were friendly but not as fun.

Anyway, I got to stop, I found a new addiction, Skull and Bones. So, going to play the game before I leave for work in 2 hours. I will talk about that one later. All I can say now is… the game is bloody nostalgic.

Laters!

Longings

MOOD: Sleepy, but I am ALWAYS sleepy
CURRENT MUSIC: My PS5 Login Page Music Background
WEATHER: SUPER HOT.
LOCATION: Kuching

I come from a close-knit family – no doubt, I had busy parents growing up, but they ALWAYS made time for us. My sisters and I grew up with old people around us, and we are more or less 10 years apart. Yes, it seemed like planning, but it was not, with miscarriages in between us, and even if my two other siblings had made it, I would always be the middle child. But I wonder if things would have been different if my two siblings had made it. 

Then, I started going into a phase where I started rebelling and had a mind of my own. I felt forced to be seen with my family while other friends were talking about going out with other friends. They had the freedom I yearned for. I will be truthful: I was envious of them because they had said freedom. While friends were hanging out with their friends at Tun Jugah, I was at home with my family doing what my parents enjoyed, going on long drives and spending time with each other. I tried going out once or twice, with permission, of course, and the questions I got from my late mother were like a policeman interrogating his suspect. I did not like it because it felt so. I felt suffocated, and my privacy was breached. To be fair, my parents had to send me out as I did not have a driving license.

In the early 2010s, I left Kuching to continue studying at a college in Kuala Lumpur. That was when I had unlimited freedom. My best friend from school was also with me, and we lived together, so we covered for each other. I had the opportunity to sit at the mamak from dusk to dawn, went out karaoke-ing, and even tried clubbing, which I hated. I even stayed in towns outside Kuala Lumpur – for fun and college activities. However, when I knew my parents were in Kuala Lumpur, I became “well-behaved”. After dinners with family, I would go home, change and go out again to hang out at the mamak with friends. However, there were days when I would decide to stay at my parents’ place because I missed them. 

But by then, I had started working at the motorcycle company I had worked part-time with after Form 5 before enrolling in my Sixth Form. Because of my involvement with events, I got involved with social activities again but appreciated my time at home despite the overtime and the outside activities. This was also when I started getting closer to my mother, telling her what I had been up to and explaining why I had to go out at certain hours. This was also when I started keeping to my curfew. 

It was during the peak of COVID-19 when my mother had her first bad fall. When she fell, we rushed her to the hospital, and she was admitted. It was October 2020; funnily, I remember this because my social life was mostly through online mobile gaming. The whole time my mother was admitted, I was on my phone, and she kept asking me what I was doing, staring at my phone and sniggering to myself. So, I told her I had befriended some people older than me from places like the US, Sweden, Bulgaria, and more! I started updating her on the news from those parts of the world, and I must say that they were great because they were supportive of me and my elder sister, who was also playing the game when my beloved aunt, who was like a second mother to my sisters and me, passed away. I showed my mother what they did in the game, and she was in awe. 

When she was discharged, I went to Kuala Lumpur almost every two weeks for her treatment. I was assigned to escort her everywhere she went, from her treatments in Kuala Lumpur to physiotherapy in the hospital in Kuching. From then on, I got extremely close to my mother. She would ask what I did, and I would tell her. 

I even spoke to her about the guy I was dating, who later became my husband, and she approved of him. Since then, “J, tell Akim I want to eat satay,” and he will get it for her. I will be truthful, and I was afraid when I told her about him. At first, she was not warm towards him, but when she relied on his help, I felt I wished I had told her about him earlier. 

Because of my responsibility to my mother, I started wanting to go out less with friends, and I am glad the small group of friends has understood that. My mother allowed me to have sleepovers with my best friends, Serena and Juliana when Serena would come from Miri to Kuching. Well, thanks to Facebook, she could keep track of our activities. Whenever I came home from a night out with the girls, I would tell her the funny stories we girls shared: the abridged version, mind you. 

Caring for my mother has made me feel happier at home. During this time, my goal in life was to make her smile and laugh. My mother was a strict woman who was not easy to joke around with, but it was her fate to have a happy-go-lucky daughter like me! Whenever she laughed at my jokes, it just made me happy. Although, there were times I got caught by surprise when she turned around and added to my jokes. Half the time when she does, I get a bit dumbstruck, but those were happy times. However, by this time, my mother was already getting frail, but let me be clear: that woman has the will of steel. That is the thing about my mother: she was a very strong woman. 

Then, my mother fell again on the second day of Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2022. This time, I was guilt-ridden because this was the second time she fell on my watch. What made it worse was that I did not know she fell until she called for my name, and I turned to find her on the floor. Once again, we brought her to the hospital, and the outcome was less optimistic than the first. I did not want to think the worst of the situation. 

“It was going to be okay,” I kept telling myself. “Mummy is going to get discharged as soon as it gets okay!” 

Then things turn for the worse. I started getting depressed, maybe from the lack of sleep at night in the hospital, maybe from worrying about my mother. I did not know, but I heard these annoying little voices. 

“You were the cause of Mummy’s fall!” the voice said, and it was distinctively my voice, reminding me of the day she fell. It got worse when my mother’s condition deteriorated and became more than just a fall. 

I went home one evening to get food for her after she asked for tempoyak and her favourite salted fish. I remember ordering McDonald’s through Grab, but Grab had an issue with the rider because it was raining heavily. So, she kept calling, asking me where I was. I left the house without waiting.

The first thing she said to me when I walked into her ward was, “I lost my appetite.” 

That broke me. All this while, I happily made her comfortable and proud; hearing those words hurt me so bad I hid in the pantry pretending to prepare her meal, but I ended up calling my younger sister in Kuala Lumpur and begging her to come home. By then, I was tired – physically and mentally. It did not help that those voices in my head started getting louder and louder, blaming me for her fall. Eventually, my younger sister came home on the first flight out the next day after my distressed call. I was told to go home to sleep, and I did. 

A phone call from my younger sister woke me up, telling me that my mother was moved to the High Dependency Unit (HDU) because of her worsening condition, and once again, I got worried. Deep down inside me this time, I knew she was not in a good way. Quite honestly, it was from one thing to another for us all. From always getting a two-way conversation, it was just me talking to my coma-induced mother. It hurt whenever I updated my whereabouts, and she did not respond, but that did not stop me from telling her where I went or what I did. Whenever I left her in the HDU, I touched her hand to tell her I was going home and would be back the next day. 

On the 24th day in the hospital, I was awoken by the home helper (Kakak) at 4 am, saying I was needed at the hospital. I checked my phone and saw missed calls from my elder sister and a WhatsApp message stating she was at the hospital. I called and spoke to my elder sister, and she said that my mother was losing a lot of blood. What I remembered hearing was the Surah Yasin playing loudly in the background. My heart broke, knowing what was happening. When I got to the HDU, the nurse-in-charge told me in Malay that my mother was in critical condition despite her super positive response the day before. Those words, critical (nazak in Malay), stabbed me, and there my mother was on the bed with nurses tending to her, looking like an angry wet cat. Mean as it sounds, that was how it was. 

I was speechless. I was feeling empty. No words left my lips at that moment. I could not bear the sight of my mother, who was in pain and probably annoyed that people were fussing over her. When the doctor-in-charge asked us if she wanted to video call my father, we asked her, and she said she wanted to wait for him to come home. Luckily, my father could charter a flight home with my younger sister. I had a brief moment when I was alone with her when I asked her if she was proud of me and what I had done for her. She nodded. Immediately, all the self-inflicted guilt disappeared. All I needed was just that from her. 

My father arrived by 9 something that morning, if I am not mistaken, and the doctor took my mother off life support by 11 am. My mother fought a fierce fight until 6.27 pm when she drew her last breath. It was on the 27th of May 2022, the 26th day of Syawal, and it was still a Friday based on Muslim timing. For those who do not know, a new day starts at Maghrib. 

It felt empty, although I did not have to go to the hospital anymore. I felt lost because I did not have to hear my mother nagging at or interrogating me. I suppose the words: “You will know you miss someone most when they are gone” ring true. I did not like it. I was used to having my mother siccing on me, and now I am older and probably wiser; I appreciated all she did. 

Today, after a year and eight months, I thank God my mother was the way she was with my sisters and me. I am glad she brought us up the way she did. When I lost my mother, it felt like I did not spend enough time with her, but many people have told me that I would have been the most satisfied because I spent the most time with her. But they do not know I was unhappy with that short period spent with her. Time was cruel, and maybe, in a small way, I was cruel, too. I was so busy trying hard to break free from my family’s “close knits”, but none of us was getting any younger. Now that I am older, I appreciate every memory I have with them.

After I lost my mother, I made a small promise to myself that I would spend more time with my father at every opportunity I had, and that is what I am doing now, even though I have the loveliest stepmother on the face of the Earth to take care of him, but to time spent with them is more precious. 

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you… I could walk in my own garden forever.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson, English Poet.

[UNFILTERED] Stuff.

MOOD: Tired, Infuriated
CURRENT MUSIC: Sherlock Opening Title
WEATHER: Cloudy and Drizzling
LOCATION: Kuching

Sadly, people find it difficult to say thank you personally to someone who is good to them. This happened yesterday, and I thought about it all day, and now, here I am writing about it. I admit, I was rude to the person who said thank you to me but I HAVE my reasons and I hope you see it from my point of view.

So, yesterday, my Dad and (step)Mum went for breakfast at a well-known beef noodle shop in Kuching, and my Dad tends to pay for everybody having breakfast there. So happened, one of those people who went for breakfast there was a relative. I will be brutally frank; I do not like this family. They are only related because my maternal grandmother’s sister adopted the woman, who was NOT the most affable adopted daughter to my grandaunt. NOTE: her daughter has slandered me, too, and I don’t forgive people who slander me.

Anyway, I was tasked with making the payment at the counter, and her daughter-in-law was waiting for the cashier to finish calculating while I was there. So, the cashier noticed the girl there and told her that my Dad had paid for their table. I saw the woman (I refuse to call her AUNTY, by the way) walking towards her daughter-in-law, asking if she had paid, so the cashier overheard and said that it was my Dad who had paid for them. Then, the woman approached me and said, “Oh, say thank you to your Dad, J.” I got annoyed because WHY DID SHE TELL ME TO CONVEY HER THANK YOU TO MY DAD WHEN SHE WAS CAPABLE OF DOING IT HERSELF? And she was going to walk by my Dad’s table anyway! So, I shot back, “Tell him that yourself!” And in Sarawakian Malay, it sounded rough, and I gave her my back when I said it. I REFUSED to look at her face because I could not stand the females of that family.

This is what pissed me off. BEHIND ME, she said, “But I am too lazy to go back there.” If I were younger and more hotblooded, I would have struck her. My hand would have gone flying towards her face. But I am older now; I had to keep my cool, although deep down, I was fuming. But those words went through my head yesterday, and the thought annoyed me so badly. When they first walked in, they came from the back, and to get back to your car, I am pretty sure you will have to walk through the back way, right? WHAT IS THE FUCKING LOGIC IN THE WHOLE, “I AM TOO LAZY TO GO BACK THERE”? YOU WILL walk by my Dad’s table, STOP BY and say thank you INSTEAD OF ASKING SOMEONE TO DELIVER YOUR THANKS!

Why? Why is it so difficult for you to go to a person to say thank you? It still boggles my mind! I do not mind being called rude for how I responded to her, but it is my Dad you are talking about. My Dad who overlooks your flaws and your lousy behaviour; my Dad who sees the good in the way you mistreated HIS Aunty up until the day she died. That is how you repay him? What a fucking lowlife you are.

I hate people like that. The situation would have been different if my Dad was no longer sitting at the table. I would have accepted it, and tell her – despite not liking her, “Okay, I will tell him you said thanks…” BUT MY DAD WAS STILL SITTING DOWN THERE.

Ugh, I should stop before I piss myself off even more.

DISGUSTING

MOOD: Disgusted
CURRENT MUSIC: Werewolf (Motionless in White) – I LOVE THIS SONG
WEATHER: According to Carrot, it is raining, but there is no rain
LOCATION: Kuching

I went to Vivacity Mall in my hometown tonight for dinner. I despair for women nowadays. I hope the disgusting sow who went in was not a gorgeous looking thing. READ ON.

I AM NOT SORRY FOR CALLING THE PERSON A SOW BECAUSE THE BEHAVIOUR IS DISGUSTING.

After dinner, my sister, husband and me went to the supermarket to get some things. Before we went down to the Lower Ground to where the supermarket was, I wanted to go to the toilet on the same floor as the restaurant we were at. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME…

Yes, there was some upgrading work. So, I thought, “It is okay. I can use the toilet near the supermarket. Yay, me!” So, I went down and got into the toilet, feeling relieved because there were few people there. So, I saw one unoccupied cubicle, so I made a beeline. What I saw made me sick. I am going to try to be as graphic as possible.

The cubicle was relatively dry, but the toilet seat was covered in shit. Not the lumpy kind. It was the diarrhoea kind. The thought of it is making me sick. It was like the person went in; before she could pull her panties down, she had shat on the toilet seat, which dripped onto the side of the toilet seat. The first thing that came out of my mouth when I saw it was “FUCK!” as I retched and slammed the door shut. Two other ladies were there, and they looked surprised to see me getting annoyed. So, one of the ladies asked me what happened, and I told her someone shat and left it all over the toilet seat; and it made me sick as the behaviour was disgusting. She did not believe me and went to take a peek and realised what I meant.

There was also a vacant cubicle next to it, but the toilet seat looked spoilt, so that pissed me off. So, I told the lady that I was willing to hold in my pee because I felt disgusted at how women nowadays behave in a public toilet.

Ugh.

I better stop before I vomit my dinner out just thinking about it.

Well, Now.

MOOD: Sleepy (which I am always is anyway)
CURRENT MUSIC: Satisfied (Renée Elise Goldsberry & the Original Cast of Hamilton)
WEATHER: According to Carrot, it is cloudy with rain warning
LOCATION: Kuching

Oops, I disappeared again. I have been busy, I promise, but I think 2024 will be even busier. If I don’t die a natural death, I might die of stress.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, by the way!

ANYWAYS, I ended 2023 with a “bing bang bing bang boom” (imagine Franz Liebkind in The Producers saying it – the Will Ferrel one). I went to London. Actually, I went back to London. The last time I went to London was in 2018, and we were supposed to go in 2020, but COVID happened, along with many other things, so we never went back.

In 2018, I went with my family and, more importantly, with my late Mum. In 2023, I went with my husband and younger sister’s family. It was pleasant, but every familiar turn was a sad one. My sister and I did a lot of reminiscing, and I noticed there were more Paddington and Peter Rabbit stuff this time – both of which my Mum loved.

This trip was also enjoyable. We stayed in an Airbnb with FOUR BEDROOMS, but two rooms were being used because my sister thought my Dad and step-mum would stay with us! Wait, I never told you about my Dad remarrying? Well, that happened at the end of 2022, and I will tell that story in another post because I never thought it would be filled with many pleasant things! 🙂

Quite honestly, this trip was enjoyable… But it was exhausting. We walked more than we expected. We also went all the way to Bath, which was lovely, by the way. But I did the two things I had wanted to do;

1. Watch Hamilton
2. Go to another Van Gogh Exhibition

Both things had a funny story. When I told my sister I wanted to watch Hamilton, my husband was unsure if he liked the idea but went anyway to keep me happy. After the show, he openly admitted that he loved the show. He told my sister and me he wanted to watch another musical, which we did not. So, I told him, let’s keep another musical for the next time we hit London.

As for the Van Gogh Exhibition, I booked tickets without him knowing because my sister went to meet up with an ex-schoolmate. When I eventually told him we were going to Van Gogh: The Immersive Experience, he said, “You do know that I don’t really like that kind of thing. Why waste your money?” So, I assured him that it would be fun. He took my word for it and went along anyway. By the time we got there, we were drenched from the rain (yes, it was raining the whole time we were there – after Baby went back to her Dad’s village in Nottingham; my brother-in-law is British, by the way). When we got there, he looked more fascinated than me. I was emotional because I loved Vincent van Gogh’s artwork and knew his story. To let you know, I have been to the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam and the Van Gogh Experience in KL. By the end of the visit, he turned to me and said he saw many paintings he liked and felt sad for Vincent van Gogh.

I felt proud of myself and of my husband. I made him realise that there is more to life than work and his interests. He also expressed that he understood why I liked what I liked. During this trip, he said he understood why my MUST GO in London is Forbidden Planet!

It was fun, I must say. And now, we are looking forward to another trip my Dad had mentioned when we arrived Kuala Lumpur.

Okay, I think I am running out of writing juice. I will stop here. When I remember, I will talk about my Dad remarrying and how I initially felt about it, as well as how I feel about it now 😉 A little spoiler: I love my step-mum and my step-brother.

Bye!

Am I Holding a Grudge?

Daily writing prompt

Are you holding a grudge? About?

View all responses

Am I holding a grudge?

Nope. I am not.

But

… that

… is

… a

lie…

I have been holding a grudge for about 2 decades now against the same person because;

1. They betrayed my trust
2. They tried harming me and my husband, back when I was dating him

It is funny that, this person is related to me although she isn’t a blood relative. Her mother was adopted by my Dad’s Aunty. And this girl, has tried telling my ex lies about me but that no longer matter anymore. The guy is married, and I am married, too. BUT the betrayal hurt and that is why I remember that. My ex and I were good friends until she came along and told him lies about me.

The thing that made me hate her most was she tried hurting my husband (my then boyfriend). She used black magic to do it. I remember the person who did the cleansing telling me that ashes started coming out of the pores of his skin, and that someone sent it to him to harm him. The person even told me where the person stayed and that is how I knew who did it.

So, that it is. Am I holding a grudge? Yes, I am. I hate betrayals. If you don’t like me being happy, don’t hurt me that way. Just leave me alone. There is no need for syirik (shirk) stuff.

And…

Who can blame me for doing so?

Of Gaming and Effective Advertising

Anyone who know me personally would know that I enjoy gaming. Gaming, to me, is therapeutic. I did not own any consoles as a child. Quite honestly, I did not get my own gaming console until I turned 26, but the first gaming console I got familiar with was the Nintendo NES, which belonged to my cousins. I used to go to their house back in the days before they moved to Kuala Lumpur, I used to play games on the NES. One game I remember is the Ice Climber; given the chance, I want to play that game again. I loved seeing those stupid penguins placing the ice over the hole I have made. But that is just me.

Fast forward to when I turned 26, I got my first PlayStation 3. Before that, I did go to cybercafes to play games on the PC, or the PlayStation which belonged to my (ex) friend, and my brother-in-law. I “restarted” with games like Counter Strike, Age of Mythology, Zoo Tycoon and more (on the PC). On the PS (and PS2), I got addicted to games like Chaos Legion, Tony Hawk Downhill Jam and more. Then, I went to Kuala Lumpur to study. You know what I discovered? The joys of playing in a gaming arcade. I used to play Time Crisis 4 up to a point that I finished the game. It was a proud moment to see my initials on the screen for others to see; and the best part, people do not know that the initials; NJJ belongs to a girl!

Then I got my PS3, I started with games like Assassin’s Creed (A FRANCHISE WHICH I LOVE UNTIL TODAY). At one point, I also had the XBox 360. Today, I own a PS4 and a Nintendo Switch. Do I want the PS5? Yes. There are some games I am eyeing when I get the PS5. One of it is this game I have been looking forward to since 2016 called STRAY. If you know me well enough, you will definitely know why I am looking forward to that game! Also, I want to get Devil May Cry V with the Vergil DLC as well as the new Horizon Zero Dawn.

However, through those games I play on my console, I joined fandoms; especially the Assassin’s Creed and Final Fantasy XV fandoms. And I befriended many people through those fandoms – and some of them ARE still my friends despite moving on to new fandoms.

Last year, due to an unfortunate event, I was not able to spend much time on my consoles, so I started playing mobile games. Let me frank, I didn’t really play mobile games due to an ego. I played Pokemon Go! but got so sick of it when I hit Level 26. Considering I live in an area where those creatures do not dwell. Even my workplace was hopeless! So, I got sick of it and played it only when I go to Kuala Lumpur but I got sick of it because it was the same day in day out. That was when I established that ‘mainstream’ mobile games are boring. I played those matching games like Gardenscape until I got bored. So, it was a repetitive story of INSTALLING AND UNINSTALLING. Then, I discovered Final Fantasy XV A New Empire. I played it, and it gave me a headache – psst, I loved the console game so much, I thought I would love the mobile game. So, I left it alone. It was the with the Singing Monsters (I used to love this game because of the songs the monsters sang). I think I played it for 3 months, then I got sick of it.

BUT…

Because of Singing Monsters AND Gardenscapes, I got hounded by this weird ass advertisement. I promise you, the advertisements were bizarre but they were appealing. I was hounded by the advertisement until I got sick of it. I installed the game in September 2020 but only played it in October. Yeap, you got it right, it was a zombie game called State of Survival.

The current event is in conjunction of their collaboration with The Walking Dead. So, that is why you see Norman Reedus’ character, Daryl Dixon there. And the event will end in 112 days.

If anyone were to ask me for a review, I recommend the game. Some people may think it is boring. Well, it will be if you play it alone. To enjoy a full experience with the game, you need to join an Alliance but be sure you pick the right Alliance. Keep an eye on the State Chat to know who are the active Alliance.

When I started the game in October 2020, I landed in State 458. I also thought I could play the game on my own WITHOUT joining an Alliance. Boy, was I wrong! So, I decided to join an Alliance called TSS (so sorry, I cannot remember the full name of the Alliance) and joined the first one that caught my eyes. I was attracted to the Alliance because I thought they were active and because I saw leader of the Alliance had a Final Fantasy VII’s Sephiroth profile photo. JUST A WEEK OR TWO INTO THE GAME, I noticed that there was no movement in the Alliance. At that point, I did think of uninstalling the game. But for some kind of odd reason, I told myself to join another Alliance and give the game another chance. So, I did. I ended up joining this Alliance called [JFA] Justice for All led by a gamer named UnHuMaN.

By then, I thought if this Alliance was as inactive as the first one I joined, I will consider uninstalling the game. I got lucky! The players were very active, and I started enjoying the benefits of being in an Alliance. Slowly, I started enjoying the game a little bit more although there were times I did not have the time to fully enjoy it. Until one day, we had to move due to the limited resources and the constant bullying we got from bigger Alliances. We then decided to leave JFA behind and merged with [WSO] We Stand as One. And that was the beginning of [WSJ] We Stand for Justice, my current game home.

My handle is JadeTiggy, and I now have an (early) Level 30 settlement (not working towards a P1 just yet). I started as a nobody, who played the game for the sake of playing and out of curiosity to someone who has invested so much time on the game. I started the game being just Jade whom no one knew whether Jade was a he or a she until a fellow member of the Alliance, LCJBT asked me. I started as a “soldier” and now I am a leader.

Most importantly, I started the game as a stranger to someone who has found a gaming family with the Alliance.

Quite honestly, I would not want to trade WSJ for ANY Alliance. Other Alliances may be stronger than us but they may not be as warm as WSJ. We have a culture where we are taught to respect other Alliance as well as each other, and negotiate first before anything else. The best cultures WSJ practice are; you mess with ONE person (whether from WSJ or our ‘sibling’, WSO), you mess with ALL of us – whether you are/were part of the Alliance or not, and we share our resources. Not sure about elsewhere in the State but I am proud of that.

Worth to mention, I am grateful to have befriended these people. They come from all over the world but there are seven of us who are Malaysians (five of which I know personally – one of them is my elder sister).

JadeTiggy Level 30

A Clustered Alliance Is A Safe Alliance

See Jade there? Hi!

It is unfortunate that there are 96 of us in the Alliance but only 40 (our farms included) are the only ones active but we are still active in the Alliance Chat. I have learnt a lot of new things with the Alliance like Bulgarians celebrate Easter Day on a different date. If you did not know that, now you do. Anyway, of all the people in the Alliance, I am most grateful to LC (LCJBT). He made me see that there is such a thing as unity despite the different background and culture, even amongst the different Alliances. Won’t elaborate it here because I wrote it in this post; Lost But I Am Found Again. It still makes me feel happy when I think of it.

Playing this game has got me thinking though; what if I ended up in another Alliance or State? Will I feel as happy as I feel now? Remember how I mentioned that I did not really play mobile games because of that ego of mine? Well, now, guess who got her butt bitten? Yeap, me. I can’t really imagine not playing State of Survival and it is thanks to their weird ass advertisements.

Screaming Within

I hate it. I hate that I feel like I fucked up. A failure.

I hate it. I hate that although there are many around me, I still feel alone.

I hate it. I hate this dark cloud overshadowing over me and I can’t find the rainbow.

I hate it. I hate being stuck in my own darkness; with no light to follow.

I hate it. I hate that I continue to hold back when I can talk it all out.

I hate it. I hate I am scared of the unknown.

I hate it. I hate that I know I need help but I tell myself that I don’t.

I hate it. I hate that I hear voices in my dark mind and pretend it isn’t there…

I hate it. I hate that I look strong but in reality, I am not.

God… why don’t you just… make it all go away?

First Post of 2021

Hello! First post of the year and I am here. A lot of things had happened since my last post. I am well, and still alive (in case you are wondering). I am more active on Twitter (and on my gaming devices, and Netflix) nowadays because the posts on Facebook are irritating as fuck, and I have been suffering from severe writer’s block. I have not been really writing fan fictions as well, so yeah.

As usual, I was strolling through my Twitter and I saw something that triggered this entry.

_{SOURCE: Twitter}

A little introduction and “advertising”… Malakat Mall is a Muslim community mall located in Cyberjaya, and it houses 100% Muslim entrepreneurs selling all sorts. My favourite shop in that mall is this stationery shop called Conteng (translates: Scribble), by the way. And the prices at the supermarket is lower compared to many other supermarkets you can find in West Malaysia in general. They even have a fine dining restaurant, which I want to try when this COVID-19 madness is over! (I am from Kuching, Sarawak, by the way). Their

Enough advertising.

Okay, how did it trigger this entry? In general, Malaysians, if we could, we would rush with just about anybody instead of queueing. And this outbreak we have NO CHOICE but to learn how to be patient and queue. Unfortunately, though we have learnt how to queue… While queueing is another issue. As a person who loves her personal space, I HATE it when a stranger is breathing down my neck. It gets irritating when you turn to the back to look at the person, they get the message and back off but as you look away, they step nearer to you.

Anyway, today I am released from quarantine. How did I get myself quarantined? Well, I went through THREE COVID^* swab tests within 10 days, and they were all negative. I am from Kuching, Sarawak which the capital of a State of Malaysia on the island of Borneo. _{(* I did my first swab test in Putrajaya three days before my flight home to Kuching, did one more at the Kuching International Airport on 10 January 2021 and the last one at Klinik Kesihatan Petrajaya (KKPJ), Kuching on 17 January 2021)}

And please, it IRKS me if I tell someone that I am from Kuching and they immediately say, “Oh, you are from Sabah!” HELLO, I AM FROM SARAWAK.

_{Thank you Google for the map}

Sorry, I sidetracked.

Anyway, the Sarawak State Government has imposed strict entry into the State. ANY Malaysians (WHO ARE NOT IN ESSENTIAL SERVICE^1* OR EMERGENCY CASES) MUST undergo a 14-day quarantine at hotels servicing as quarantine centres. Upon arrival at the airport, ALL passengers MUST go for swab tests before they are sent to their designated hotels. If the results come back negative, a second swabbing will be arranged on the 8th day of quarantine and will be released on the 14th day. If the results come back positive, the person will be transferred to the Sarawak General Hospital for treatment. _{(1* those considered essential service will have to take a swab test 2-3 days before their arrival and needs to be submitted to Sarawak Disaster Management Committee (SDMC) as proof that they are tested negative)}

However, before 1st January 2021, the State allowed Home Quarantine but due to the increment of positive cases, the State Government decided to allow home quarantine. And I was fortunate to get home quarantine at the last minute despite being prepared. I got my application approved just a day before the State decided to discontinue allowing Home Quarantine.

What happen during Home Quarantine? Well, no, there were NO medical assistants standing in front of my house. Instead, all those entering Sarawak^2* will be given a white band with a QR Code which they will need to scan daily for 14 days at 8 am to 10 am, and at 8 pm to 10 pm.

At 8 am/pm to 10 am/pm, all you have to do is to get onto your QR Code scanner or camera and scan the QR Code (where the “!!” are) then it will bring you to a page on browser where you have to put in your identity card or passport number, then enter the password provided on the band. After that, it will bring you to a page where you will have to put in your location coordinates. PLEASE REMEMBER TO ALLOW LOCATION ON YOUR DEVICE for easy detection. Then hit save. Voilà! You are done!

About scanning in, whoever at SDMC might think that I was consistent in my timing. I can explain that. I had my alarm on for it. Every day for that 14 days, I had my alarm set at 8.30 am and 8.30 pm as a reminder. So, my check in was consistently at 8.31 (am and pm). There were some evenings where my time was exactly at 8.30 pm! Knowing me, once I am gaming, or reading, or watching Netflix, time is ignored. Normally, I ignore time when I am gaming. It is worse when I dock my Nintendo Switch onto the TV, and I have been addicted to Hades as of late. So, an alarm as a reminder was the best way to avoid any complications!

IF you scan before 8 or after 10, SDMC WILL call to find out where you are. And they will randomly pick a time to video call just to see where you are. Despite those efforts, home quarantining is all based on trust, which unfortunately, some people don’t seem to care about. I have a story about how three girls broke quarantine and when my friend told me about it, I was so angry. But I will talk about it later on. Just let me finish with this first. I did my second (more like my third) swab at the Klinik Kesihatan Petrajaya (KKPJ) Kuching on the 8th day, by the way. I asked SDMC via WhatsApp how do I let them know that I have to go out to do my swab test, and the person who replied was very nice to tell me that all I had to do was to scan my QR Code on the wrist band at the location, which I did. _{(2* whether the person is being quarantined at home or at the hotel)}

Okay, talking about TRUST… A few months ago, I received a message from a good friend, working at a mall in Kuching. Their security caught THREE GIRLS loitering around their premises while wearing the QR Code band around their wrists. Unfortunately, two out of three were caught but one of the two managed to pull off her band. When they were caught, they got angry at the security team and called them stupid and not understanding that they were a few days away from finishing their quarantine, and the fact that they were bored of being stuck in quarantine. So long as the Ministry of Health of Malaysia (KKM – Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia) had not given the release letter yet, you are not allowed to break quarantine! Much to their dismay, the police got involved; serve them right!

TODAY, 24th JANUARY 2021, is the day I end my home quarantine. When I got the release a set of instructions to take the band off was also sent. What I have to do was to take a video while cutting the band while showing my identity card for identification. And get this, I will need to keep the video for TWO MONTHS in my phone at least as proof. The reason behind this is IF in the event where SDMC or KKM ask for evidence, the video is in my phone. What I did? I kept put the video into my phone, my cloud along with the release letter from the officer in charge.

It was interesting, honestly but I think it will be more interesting if I get quarantined in the hotel. I heard people complaining about being hotel quarantine, and I have heard from people who thought it was a good holiday. Oh yeah, I forgot to include this little piece of information about hotel quarantine.

Being a Sarawakian reentering Sarawak, we have an advantage. EVERYTHING is paid for. The hotel room, the swabbing and the meals. Non-Sarawakians will have to pay for hotel accommodation for 14 days AND swab tests which could accumulate to RM2500 per person.

On a funnier note, before I left to Kuala Lumpur on the 1st, I actually packed my PS4 in case I had to get myself quarantined in the hotel. Heck, I was THAT prepared. I even had a list of what I needed from home so my sister could send it to me at the airport or to the hotel! It was a funny experience but in a small way, I am glad I did my quarantine at home. I had other books to read when I finished the one I got from Kuala Lumpur (no trip is complete without buying at least one book), almost endless supply of munchies, my fan when my air conditioner gets too cold. And the alone time sitting under the sun absorbing all that Vitamin D when it was not raining, and the fresh air while sitting at my bedroom window listening to the cuckoo bird twitterpatting! Most of all, I have my own pillows and blankets with me.

Someone on my mobile gaming community asked me how was I coping with being quarantine? In general, I prefer being at home anyway. If I go out, it will only be with two people I trust my life with and I set a curfew for myself. And they know that I, and are the type who do not need to socialise with friends every day. But being in my room these past few days, I get to play the games I have been wanting to play, I get to read the books I have not read yet, and watch the shows or movies I have been wanting to watch.

Now, I can say this: in truth, did I finish all that? Well, I did not finish my book, instead I am halfway reading it. I have finished the main story of the my game and am going on side missions which have small relations to the main story arc (Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, by the way). I watched shows I have been wanting to watch. Caught up with some shows even. I did things I enjoyed. I attempted writing my fan fictions but that kinda failed because of my writer’s block. Also… At the same time, I am constantly looking for materials for my new semester assignments. So, all is good.

And his reply to me was, “that is a good way to think about facing it.” I needed to stay optimistic somehow, and why should I mope when it is for my own safety as well as for the safety of those around me? The first Movement Control Order (MCO) was tighter than what we are facing now. I did not die of boredom the first time, I certainly won’t die the second time around. Plus, during that time, I learnt how to make traditional cakes even!

***

This entry is dedicated to the members of KKM, who have sacrificed so much for all of us to keep us safe. They sacrificed precious time with family, and time to rest for all of us. Also to the members of SDMC, and the State Government. I know you are trying hard, but know that despite the stubbornness of some idiots out there, there are some of us, who are rooting for you and are grateful to you. I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to you for everything you’ve done for me throughout that small experience of mine. I hope, some burdens will be eased as soon as vaccines are proven to be safe for use.

On second thoughts, I HATE my header. Will make something new. Soon. LOL!

If you have stayed on till this paragraph. Thank you for reading my rambling. To friends who have been asking about my fics, I apologise for not writing much lately. I ran out of creative juice. So, I will stop here for now.

Before I go, do stay safe. Stay at home as much as possible. Remember to eat healthy as well. Drink plenty of water, and consume plenty of fruits. Take care!

Stuff.

I am still alive!

Okay, this entry contains rants and stuff. But let me start with my rant. It is a copy and paste from my Facebook status, by the way.

1) OF MALAYSIA AIRLINE’S SOP AND NON-LAW ABIDING CITIZENS

I was on a MAS flight bound for KL this evening. And MAS has an SOP where four rows by four rows will take turn to disembark the vessel. And when these four rows prepare to leave the plane, the people in those rows after that said row will have to remain seated; and having said that, to stand up to grab your bags in the overhead compartment is prohibited until it’s your turn to leave the plane.

So, we waited for our turn. When the steward poked his head out and say “the first four rows can leave”, I noticed EVERYBODY else behind the first four rows stood up to grab their bags.

Some people may find the steward rude for scolding (almost shouting at) them to follow SOP, but I DO NOT BLAME HIM. The guy was following the SOP when people refused to do so. The announcement specifically said FOUR ROWS. Honestly, I’d get angry, too.

Yes, I know you’re rushing but please follow SOP. If you get sick, I bet you’re the first to blame MAS for not following SOP when they CLEARLY SPECIFIED “FOUR ROWS” IN AN ANNOUNCEMENT WHILE TAXING TO THE ARRIVAL GATE.

If you’re on the bloody FIFTH ROW, wait for your bloody turn! There is a reason why they have SOPs. It’s to keep us safe! So, don’t be bloody selfish or act entitled! As much as I cannot stand two certain YBs on the same flight, even they did not rush with the first four rows to leave the vessel.

I am also pissed off at this guy who rushed with me. Dude, if you’re in a hurry to catch a flight, OPEN YOUR MOUTH. People will understand. But if you’re not in a hurry to catch a flight, PLEASE WAIT FOR YOUR TURN.

I sometimes feel like people don’t understand English OR basic Malay. Ugh. Or they’re just bloody entitled.

However, congratulations Malaysia Airlines for the in-plane SOP. Keep it up! ❤️

2) COVID SWAB TEST

You read it right. I went for a Covid-19 swab test, and I survived it. I went on Wednesday morning with my family. Let me start by telling you that my poor nose felt violated. When they took my DNA samples orally, I thanked God, I did not have a heavy breakfast. If I did, boy, it would not be a pretty sight! And when they took samples nasally, it was the most uncomfortable thing ever to happen to me. People has claimed that it was painful. It was not. It was just uncomfortable. I guess, the good thing about the test was, for a person with sinus problems, it cleared my nose. But I could not help but notice that there was blood at the tip of the swab that was pushed through my nose!

3) ANXIETY WAS KILLING ME, NOT THE VIRUS BUT I WAS PREPARED

Before I tell my results, let me tell you how anxiety nearly killed me and how I tried to entertain myself. You may find my stupid sense of humour distasteful, but it was hilarious because I was going through the whole thing.

Before the swab test though, I was getting psychologically sick. I felt like I had all the symptoms, and then I remember, Sarawak’s cases were mostly asymptomatic. When I told my Mum about it, she assured me that we did not go anywhere there was cases and so forth.

Two weeks before that, I had a small scare. I was at the Medan Niaga Satok the weekend where people who were tested positive and made a cluster. I mean, I was just there to collect my chicken and fish from my friends selling there. BUT STILL, RIGHT! I was there! Of course I had a scare! I decided to spend most of my time in my bedroom, and wait for my friends to get their results. Thank God, they did not inform me that there was an ambulance outside their houses. So, that kept me sane.

Then when it was heard that I had to jet off to Kuala Lumpur, my family (more like my Dad) decided “let’s go for a Covid swab test!” Whether I like the idea or not, I went.

However, after the swab test, I admit, I was out almost the whole day running errands. When I got home, I went straight to take a shower, and stayed in my room and was on my PS4 the whole time, playing Ghost of Tsushima (which I will review in a bit).

Throughout the wait, in my mind, I kept telling myself that “NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS”. I gave myself until Saturday and from that Thursday to Saturday, it felt like time was purposely moving slowly. Finally, on Friday, I decided to message my friend to find out about the results and he asked me, “KKM sikda call kitak kah?” (KKM did not call you?) And I said no. So he told me when he had to go through his swab test, he waited for four days to get his results. And if the results is positive, KKM (Ministry of Health) will immediately come pick the person up. So, that was an assurance for me. At least, it was.

Then on Saturday, my friend messaged me saying my family and I were all tested NEGATIVE. But despite that, it is a small reminder to myself NOT TO BE COCKY. The virus is still out there, and cases are going up and down, it is worrying.

The funny thing about it, on Wednesday itself, I declared to my sister that IF KKM were to come in their ambulance to pick us up, I am going to insist I bring my iPad, my laptop, my Nintendo Switch, and probably my PS4 (if I were to be quarantined in a hotel room). Despite the anxiousness, I was already mentally preparing myself for the worse. Malaysia recovery rate is one of the highest in the world, and I was willing to put my life and trust in the hands of the staff of KKM.

Although I was tested negative, I am still grateful for them. Without them, and their initiative to help us get well, or test us; they are still risking their own lives. For that, they are the real heroes during this hard time. Anyway, I want to take the opportunity in this entry to thank the Klinik Kesihatan Petra Jaya, Kuching staff for that swift few seconds. Despite the discomfort and the squeeze in my chest that day, they have managed to do something I would not be able to do.

Kitak orang nang the best! Agi idup, agi ngelaban. Jangan kitak orang putus asa, and terima kasih glak-glak sebab bertugas time kdak tok!

4) BINGE PLAYING GHOST OF TSUSHIMA (A SMALL REVIEW)

Let me admit, towards the end of July, I was struggling to finish my assignments which was due on the 2nd of August 2020. After I submitted my last paper on the 30th of July (before Hari Raya Aidiladha), I binged watch my TV show on Netflix and then I started playing Ghost of Tsushima.

I finished the game within one week, and I have 2 more trophies until I get the platinum trophy. And I am not ashamed to confess that I was obsessively playing the game.

I am a fan of open-world and stealth games; and I have played EVERY SINGLE Assassin’s Creed games. I am not the most stealthy gamer, honestly. But quite honestly, as a person being part of the Assassin’s Creed fandom, Ghost of Tsushima is the game I dreamt of when rumours sparked about new Assassin’s Creed games being set in Japan. Unfortunately, after Assassin’s Creed Origins, it was Odyssey, which was set in Ancient Greece. We were hoping for a Japanese timeline, but we got Valhalla, set during the age of Vikings. So, to me, Ghost of Tsushima IS the Assassin’s Creed game, the fandom wanted.

Small review time!

If you are familiar with the Horizon Zero Dawn or the newer Assassin’s Creed games gameplay and absolutely love it, you will definitely love Ghost of Tsushima. The controls are not that difficult once you get the hang of it. The aesthetics of the Ghost of Tsushima is wonderful. The colours are amazing, especially in Act II.

I will try not to give spoilers, so don’t worry. Also, let me tell you that it is easy to get a platinum trophy playing the game just once. I think this game is the first game where I went around playing the side quests before playing the actual quests. TINY SPOILER; my favourite side quest is composing haikus whereas my least favourite is the bamboo strike.

It is a wonderful game. If I were to give stars, I will give it a 5 out of 5 stars. The characters are different in so many ways.

And, me being me, for a game to hold a special place in my heart, it must have the ability to make me cry my eyes out.

DO NOT CLICK IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SEE SPOILERS.

Don’t say I did not warn you! The link above is when I played it. Oh, that scene made me cry. And the final boss fight also made me cry.

Funny, eh? I judge a game and deem it a great game if it makes me cry. THIS IS WHY FINAL FANTASY XV IS MY ALL-TIME FAVOURITE GAME because it made me cry like a wee baby! But that’s just me.

SO…

That is all from me. I am still alive, I am Covid-19 free (and I hope I will always be). I have been lazy to blog until something happened to me.

I am going to stop here to continue writing my essay for my exam.

Till next time! 🙂